actually, I'm a sock model
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
