It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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