2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
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