I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
