a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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