Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
