remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Its about making memories worth repressing
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
