omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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