I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
