So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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