$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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