The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
