yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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