Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
