i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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