i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
