i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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