Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
