don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
