he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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