i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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