just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Randomize
