ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
