dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Randomize
