I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
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So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
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You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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