Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
