I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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