i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
