my mouth tastes like poor choices
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
this will be a night to untag.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
