that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
