I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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