sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Randomize
