this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
