Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
