Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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