Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
