I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
from now on my penis is your penis
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Randomize
