and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
