so explain again why im purple
no
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
She just used a chaser for red wine.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
