I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
