Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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