I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
