Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
