$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
His hands were made for my vagina.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
