I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
