Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
