You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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