I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
