hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
