I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
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I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
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Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
This is classic penis vs brain.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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