Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Randomize
