This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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