chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Randomize
