you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
