I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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