Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
