Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Couch. On fire.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
