Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
